Learning to be Buddies

Billy was building a road out of blocks.

“Hey, Billy! Can I play?” Tim said eagerly.

Billy smiled, “Sure, you can play!”

“What can I do?” Tim asked.

Billy pointed to the end of the road, giving Billy a toy car. “Just sit over there.”

“Okay!”  Tim said as he sat in the indicated space and started running his car along the block road.

Billy was building a road out of blocks.

“Hey, Billy!  Can I play?”  Tim asked shyly.

“Sure you can play!”  Billy replied sarcastically, looking at Tim with a sneer.

“What can I do?” Tim asked falteringly.

“Just sit over there.”  Billy pointed to the very edge of the mat, out of reach of the road and any blocks.

“Okay.”  Tim sat in the indicated spot and watched as Billy turned away to continue building the block road.

Facial Expressions, Body Language and Empathy

The two vignettes above illustrate how the same words, used in different ways, can hold very different meaning.  That’s because communication isn’t just about the words we use.  It is about how we use them.

The same words can have a very different meaning depending on what facial expressions, tone of voice and body language we use.  These things let others know what we really mean, or the intent of our words. 

There are also many unspoken rules we need to follow when we are communicating to get our message across successfully.  For example, we speak differently to a friend that we would to our boss.  We also need to take turns, keep to the topic of conversation and use conventions like “I have to go now” to end our conversations. 

These things all combine to give us the social context of language and are referred to as pragmatics (Scott Lue, 2001, MacKay, 2000).  If a child has difficulty with pragmatics their success in interacting with others will be affected.  Not only will they misunderstand others’ communication efforts, but they may struggle to get their message across without misunderstandings, hurt and frustration.

For example, as we speak to and interact with others we use their facial expressions and body language to help interpret how they are feeling or reacting to us.  As we empathise we adapt our behaviour (McKay, 2000).  So pragmatics helps us tell when someone is not interested in what we are saying, and we stop talking.  Or it helps us realise if our actions or words are hurtful.  It can also help us recognise jokes, sarcasm or bullying. 

But not all children learn these skills in the same way.

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